The Leap To Begin

 

I once had a friend who bought an older home that sat on a large plot of land. The yard, around the small house, was completely overrun by old grapevines. Tangled knots of ropey branches wrapped around one another and everything else. For a while, she and her husband would simply go out there and attempt to clear some of them by cutting and hacking their way, one small spot at a time. Most often, ending in feelings of futility for all of their hard labor.

One day, my friend went outside and sat in the midst of the woody vines and asked them to cooperate. She was that sort of person. She spent several hours meditating out there, and eventually came away with an idea. The grapevines could be made into something decorative, and by giving them that further purpose, she hoped to gain their cooperation.

She began to make very unique and beautiful dream catchers with those old tangled vines. She sold them, and eventually made enough money from that endeavor to build an addition onto her small home and create a wonderful meditation garden with statuary and winding paths. We used to occasionally visit her and all sit around a bonfire for hours in that cleared space she had created.

One night, I watched her make a dream catcher. She simply held some of those twisted vines in her hands and got very still and quiet. She said she was waiting for the vine to find its own path and then following it. Silhouetted by the bonfire, what she created was not only beautiful, it flowed and to my eye, looked like visible music. That image has stayed with me through the years because I was watching creativity in action.

Creativity is a process. It has a beginning, a middle, and an end. I seldom come to my blog sites with a ready formed idea of what I am going to do or say. But, like my friend, when I arrive I sit quietly for a few minutes, gathering myself, and then begin. And also like her, after I get that first sentence down, I simply follow the words to wherever they choose or want to go. Which means I am often surprised at the outcome.

With my sketchbooks and imagery, the path is the same. I pick up the sketchbook, turn to the next blank page and just sit quietly for a few moments. Then start with one line and follow it. But, you might ask, how do I know what that first line should be? I don’t. How do I know what that first sentence should say? I don’t.  Any more than my friend knew where and when to bend that first grapevine. But, she trusted herself to find it.

That is not to say that there are not lots of others who come to the Creativity Table with full blown ideas and maybe at least the first few steps of the process already in hand. They do. But they must also, like myself and my friend, trust themselves and the process they are stepping into.

That is what those first few moments are about: gathering the trust to begin. That is not always easy or simple. It can look that way, but self-trust is one of the hardest commodities to come by. We often grow up being silently taught that our own ideas are not as important as those of the group to which we belong. Childhood is a process of learning what is appropriate and correct. That, in itself, silently teaches us that we don’t know those things and must spend time being taught what we don’t know instinctually.

Creativity becomes an obstacle course of often unlearning those earlier lessons. But as is always true, if we learned it, we can also unlearn it. But again, that takes trust. And like the Creative process itself, trust happens because we choose to begin, choose to take that first step, choose to gather whatever we need from inside and begin. The first step where we just sit still and listen to our own heartbeat.

If that sounds like meditation, that’s because it is. Meditation is learning to be still, to listen for and to that still small voice called the soul. And what it most often will tell you is that you already know the way, just take that first step and begin. Trust that the next step will make itself clear and you will find the end eventually. It might not be today, or even tomorrow. The process is a journey, taken one step at a time.

This is a very particular journey. The destination is self. It lasts for a life time. But, it can’t happen unless one begins. Begins with that small moment of stillness and listening. That gathering of self and the trust to begin.

All of this sounds a lot like a leap of faith. It is. Or perhaps, more important, it is the building of faith one step, one moment at a time. That moment of stillness and silence, might be seen as prayer. But prayer is the asking for things needed. There is nothing we need more than an awareness of our own person. How better to gain that than through Creativity which is self-expression? How do we become aware if we never allow that self to speak? And how do we hear what is spoken unless we take those first few minutes to get quiet and listen? Unless we choose to begin?

Anger Plus Creativity Equals Happiness?

 

Last time I was here, I wrote that Creativity is an energy flow, very similar to anger. Anger is neither good or bad, right or wrong, although the actions that occur from it might be seen in that light. Anger is meant to give us the fuel to either stand and fight, or to flee when we are threatened. Like Creativity, it calls for action, movement, and the two are intrinsically entwined and necessary for continued life and development.

Anger gives us the necessary energy to remove ourselves from the threat, whatever that might be. But, (big but), there is always a choice. We can choose not just between fleeing or fighting, but between destructive or constructive action. That’s where Creativity enters in and becomes very important. Creativity is Intuition at work. Intuition is that rapid thought process of connections that allow us to find new and different solutions for dealing with whatever threat arises, be that another angry person, or simply a day filled with less than good outcomes.

We human beings are very fragile creatures but we do have finely tuned senses. Enhancing those senses can only be a plus while we move through the days of a rather short life span. Making Creativity a priority, a habit, does just that. It fine tunes those senses, accessing our intuitive skills and abilities, better preparing us for those threats that are bound to arise during our everyday experience.

I don’t know about you, but I would much prefer to find pleasure in daily moments rather than the ragged jagged edges of misdirected or unknown anger. Anger can be as much a habit as overeating and for some of the same reasons. A heavy carbohydrate diet can prevent movement: physical, mental, or emotional in kind. Lack of movement means lack of growth and change. Changes are threats to many of us. Such a diet might insure a lack of change, but it won’t stop the anger because it threatens our continued well-being. And round and round we go.

Creativity, on the other hand, invites change and further growth. I am not necessarily speaking of High Art here. I am speaking of a state of being and of mind. One that doesn’t happen by accident. It is chosen and requires commitment. I used to do a lot of gardening and although I didn’t necessarily enjoy the physical labor involved, I did find pleasure in the sense of accomplishment I found in that process. What’s more, as I weeded and hoed and turned soil, my mind was free to wonder and find bits of stories, images, and even solutions to everyday problems.

Actually, those early days in the garden were the impetus I found to the writing that I do. It started there while I was picking cucumbers and raspberries. I needed to do something with those pieces of story and all of those images.  I found a peculiar rhythm in that hard physical labor, then coming inside to sit for a half hour with pen and paper. And that eventually resulted in setting up a room where I could try my hand at painting.  Changes. Slow steady changes that seemed so natural, at the time.

That garden also gave birth to my Personal Mythology and what I came to define as My Secret Inner Garden. It also heralded the end of my marriage and far more changes, even threats, than I could have imagined. Does that mean that the garden was a bad thing? No. It was a very real metaphor for growth and change. It was a physical entity that taught me about seeds and small growing things that must follow their own path to whatever fruition awaits them. Just as I must do.

That does not mean I didn’t resent that particular piece of earth on many days. I did. But, taking a hoe to a patch of tomatoes was far less destructive than wielding it as a weapon against husband and children who were only finding their own path to fruition. That garden became a symbol for many of the changes I underwent and even the threats that I confronted. It was, and still remains, an incredibly creative tool.

The point here is that allowing ones anger to inform ones Creative Process can very well result in solutions that don’t have to destroy anything or anyone. The opposite is also true. Allowing ones Creative Process to inform ones anger can bring about changes that are healthy, imaginative, and natural. Either one has to be better than exhaustion created by a need to bury the anger until it explodes or implodes. Not a pretty picture.

But, it can’t happen, or begin, unless one chooses to do so. I was a city girl, born and bred. I didn’t choose that garden, but I did choose to be married to a man who wanted that as a priority in his life. As a good wife, I did choose to join in that activity, knowing I had a great deal to learn and worried that I would probably be a failure at it. I wasn’t. And I learned a great deal more than I could ever have imagined. I not only learned how to can tomatoes in various guises, how to make several varieties of pickles, and mastered a raspberry pie that is out of this world, but also learned much more about the person I could become and found the path to my own fruition.

Which means I was more than happy to trade in that hoe for paper and pen. We find and create our own individual paths. Our anger is an important element in that process. But never more important than our Creative endeavors. They walk hand in hand, informing one another, while allowing us to keep moving, creating the next moment and the one after that. As outlandish as this might sound, they together can create a genuine sense of happiness, if we let them. It really is a matter of choice.

Freedom To Become A Creative Couch Potato

 

Creativity is a freedom one allows oneself to engage in, or not. Most often, what blocks that energy is fear. Fear of failure, of not measuring up in one way or another, fear of succeeding and then having to deal with all the changes that success might entail (like stepping on someone else’s toes). Fear of putting in all that time and effort and not having it go anywhere, or fall flat on its face.

Creativity is an energy flow, built into the system. It has many purposes, but the main one is that of healing the individual psyche, allowing it to grow and become something other than it was. And, like that other energy flow anger, it is meant to bring about movement, action.

When seen for what it is and its purpose, engaging with it does not bring about failure. It brings about success. That’s a rather bold statement, isn’t it?

No matter the outcome of the creative endeavor, the action and movement that results will bring about change because it allows the individual to learn something about him/herself, and the environment in which that person exists. It does that because it moves the individual outside of the limiting box of his/her comfort zone. Allows them to see, explore, and even discover other possibilities.

I watch American Idol. At the present moment, that means watching all these hopefuls audition, try out and compete for a place on that stage. Some of them shouldn’t be there and have little or no talent. But, when they are rejected, does that mean they have failed? I don’t think so.

It means they had a dream and believed in it and acted on it. Think about that for a moment, and the courage it must take to do just that. Those rejected hopefuls are much further along the line of their own evolvement than those of us who simply sit and watch whatever quality of performance they might be capable of giving. I would wager that there are at least ten similar individuals sitting at home wishing they only had the guts to do the same. That is not failure.

Growth and development means learning what one can and can not do. If the chosen trajectory is not working, then one must change the aim. But that will never occur unless one first makes the movement to find out if the aim is true to begin with. If one never engages the tools, takes the shot, one will never know, let alone succeed. Fear is never a good reason for not making the attempt.

Creativity is a process of exploration. As such, that means that not all of our efforts will bring about the desired outcome. Some are always destined to fall short. But, instead of thinking in terms of failure and giving up, we need to open ourselves up to other possibilities. What went wrong and can I correct that reality? If I can’t, what have I learned about the process and, more important, my own person and what it is I’m attempting to accomplish? Is there another means of accomplishing my end goal and desire?

The only way of finding out the answers to those questions is to continue to engage in that Creative energy which gives us the fuel to move in whatever direction we choose. If we choose to use that energy to become just another couch potato, eating our way through another ten pounds of junk food, then we are still discovering something about our own person.

We have the ability (freedom) to block ourselves from further movement, by gaining ten pounds and slowing down all of our actions. And again, that is not necessarily a failure on our part. There is a periodic need to slow ourselves down so that we can actually think about where we truly are at versus where we would like to be, and what we need and might want to do next. One of the first things we might want to do is to use that creative energy to cook a nutritious and attractive meal aimed at getting us off that couch and back into the flow of our inherent Creative energy.

Every freedom has inherent responsibilities attached to it. If Creative freedom is the energy to express ourselves in whatever form we choose, making change and growth possible, then one of the major responsibilities is to move on that energy flow. And by the way, thinking is not movement, it is only the first baby step in the process that leads to any further action. Thinking methodically through the process can swiftly become just another route to couch potato existence. I know, I’m rather good at that tangent.

There is an endless array of creative paths we can explore, untold and numerous ways to engage in this particular freedom. And, as is true with any freedom, ultimately the choice remains always with the individual. The exploration of why one chooses not to thus engage is a creative process all in itself, and one well worth engaging in.

Who knows? One might discover that the only thing keeping one on that couch (with one hand grasping a bag of chips, while the other is unwrapping a candy bar),  is simply something someone said when one was eight years old. If it is, you will not be surprised at the smear of chocolate you later find on that brand new shirt.

One could always use ones creative energies to invent a new recipe for chocolate that doesn’t melt but still tastes like heaven. The rest of us periodic couch potatoes might even move to get up and applaud such a wonderful invention. Ah, the smell and taste of success. One of us might be so overcome with joy that he/she might break out in song. Then decide to audition for American Idol. Now wouldn’t that be a good story?

Refocusing On Creativity

 

Someone recently asked me, in an email, what I do about feeling creatively blocked. At first, I just laughed out loud, then thought that any response could easily become an entire book. Mainly because I have been pursuing an answer to that question most of my life. That in turn means I seldom, if ever, feel blocked creatively. That isn’t a boast. I was a bit stunned when I realized what my answer actually was. That sounded so sort of arrogant, but it is true. So, to stall for some time and space before writing any kind of response, I went to the dictionary and looked up the word Creativity.

This is what I found:

1. the state or quality of being creative.
2. the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, patterns, relationships, or the like, and to create meaningful new ideas, forms, methods, interpretations, etc.; originality, progressiveness, or imagination…
3. the process by which one utilizes creative ability…

That in turn, brought me back to thoughts about this blog, which seemed to be going nowhere fast, or in any particular direction. As a matter of fact, I had been considering simply closing it down and blaming all sorts of circumstances and issues, rather than facing off with the fact that I was blocked (yes, that’s exactly what I mean).

You might ask why that diversionary trip to the Dictionary brought me right back here. Read those three parts of the definition again. Creativity is Intuition at work, doing its thing, making connections that result in new ways of thinking, seeing, and feeling. Bringing new actions into play and thus, changing the playing field.

When I first started this blog, I wanted to write about ways to enhance the intuitive faculties we are all born with. And, to some extent, I was doing that. But (big but), I wasn’t completely focused and the whole thing became a problem. Too many diverse ideas, tangents, and I was losing any coherency I may have had at the beginning. I would come here and immediately start feeling blah. Fogged in, less than enthused, and even tired. After months of just lip service to the whole idea, I was ready to scrap it and put my energy elsewhere. But, then came that question and that definition. And suddenly the whole thing began to fall into place.

You may have noticed that the site itself has been given a bit of a face lift. And it has been refocused by that very simple (never easy) question. As I thought about the incredible numbers of ways I could respond to the question, I could feel my spirits lifting and a hum of energy throughout my system. Creativity is Intuition, and Intuition is Creativity. And I have been engaged in pursuing both for most of my existence. Actually, wrote out my response by outlining many of the ways in which I have done just that.  

Here are some of the thoughts I had while writing out that response:

Creativity is:

1. an energy flow
2. built into the system
3. healing source
4. all the stages of The Hero’s Journey
5. a threshold
6. a means of getting outside of ones Comfort Zone
7. an outlet for pent up energy
8. intuitive connections
9. synchronistic in nature
10. a symbolic, and concrete means of self-expression
11. stopped by fear
12. always there, always waiting
13. meant to be used to bring about change

And on and on it went. If one takes the time to go back and read some of the archives on this blog, one can see that I have been hinting at and writing about most of those things all along (I know because I actually did that). Then I thought about changing the title of the blog to Creative Paths, but decided not to do that and went with the idea of refocusing instead. To refocus is to change ones perspective. Take a new look at something that is familiar already, or hone in on some particular detail that sort of got lost in the quick overview. Which is exactly what I had done.

We are still on the same page. Still dealing with intuitive paths and enhancing that particular faculty. And because Creativity is Intuition at work, exploring ones creativity simply invites the Intuitive faculties to the same table.

I have written about Gavin De Becker’s book, The Gift of Fear. How he explains that fear is the impetus to intuitive connections meant to allow the individual to respond in order to protect and continue life. Creativity, as defined above, does the exact same thing. It initiates a response that allows life to evolve, change and progress. It is meant to transform and alter how one thinks and sees things and how to express those changes and feelings, be it in colors, words, music, or any other creative flow.

It is my hope that this refocusing will not distract or annoy the few who have continued to return here to read what is written. As a writer, I need that element of coherency to continue. My apologies for taking so long to get to this point. Some of us are slower on some levels than others might be. It is also my desire to fulfill my own purpose. Hope you continue to read and please leave comments. They are always welcome. And last of all, thank you so much Jane.

Christmas Dreams

Click to enlarge and read. Image is free printable coloring page from:

http://www.cdenterprises.com

May your Holidays be filled with warmth and laughter.

Negative Synchronity?

 

Due to a chaotic and very busy schedule, I have not been here for a while. My apologies. However, because of a recent blizzard (14 plus inches of snow and below 0 wind chill factors), I had a wonderful experience that was both healing and inspirational. For that story, you will have to go to

http://1sojournal.wordpress.com/

The experience was joyful and filled with a certain warm glow which was more than appreciated under the circumstances. However, within a few short hours of writing about it, I had another set of connections that left me with a bit of distress and a feeling of foreboding.

I am aware that no one else would make the same connections I did, and probably wouldn’t end up with the same feelings. As the last bit of synchronistic ‘coincidence’ clicked into place, I felt like a cold finger had walked down my spine. It wasn’t just that one piece however, it was all of the connections together.

Without going into a great amount of detail, here are the specific connective links. A book I was reading and had come across accidentally. A set of song lyrics mentioned in that reading. And an excerpt of Robin Williams on American Idol that I viewed on You Tube. None of these things were horrendous on their own. And yet they left me with  that dark shivery feeling.

Many years ago, in a class I was teaching, one of the students asked if there was such a thing as ‘negative synchronicity’. Without a great deal of thought, I said yes, I would suppose that to be a very real possibility. I went on to explain that I think all things are connected and that most things have a degree of possible contradiction. Thus it would seem that although we most often speak of synchronicity as a positive force or energy, it might just have a negative compliment.

Of course that opened up a very interesting discussion. I have, on occasion, thought about that discourse and wondered if I was correct in my assumptions. I have to admit that all of my experiences of synchronistic occurrences have brought me a sense of wonder and even joy. Yet, this current one did anything but.

As I have stated many times, intuition can be traced to our ability to sense what is happening around us. It is meant to sharpen our awareness and make us alert to that which will impact our well-being, making us aware, in any given moment, of the connectedness that surrounds us, but also some of the very real dangers inherent in those connections.

Although my feelings about this most recent experience are definitely not those positive warm fuzzies, that doesn’t make the synchronicity less important or even negative. It definitely felt like a warning. And I can honestly say I am far more alert than I have been. That, as far as I am concerned, is a good thing.

Our intuitive abilities to make connections is a positive energy that allows us to see more than we have in the past. That means the negatives as well as the positives. And synchronicity is an outcome of those enhanced and encouraged abilities. We definitely need both.

At the least, my current experience has made me alert to other possibilities. That doesn’t make the synchronicity involved negative, it is only my response that was negative. And it was a very definite nudge to stay open. I have become comfortable with the concept of synchronicity in my everyday life. Maybe too comfortable.

There is always the possibility for growth. And growth does not always feel like a good thing. Avoiding the possibility of growth because it feels threatening might leave us open to all sorts of disasters, both large and small.

I most often see synchronicity as a message that I am in the right place, doing the right thing. Perhaps, at this moment, I need to know the opposite. Or, at least stay open to that possibility. I am  making a concerted effort to do just that.

Do you ever feel that you are being warned? How do you deal with that reality? Do you dismiss it as nonsense, a bit of bad lunch, or an encounter with the wrong individual? Do you think that synchronicity might have a negative aspect? Just some questions to engender further thought.

Did You Hear What You Just Said?

I see a counselor about once a month. I started seeing her about a year ago for a particular reason and issue I knew was going to be a difficult one for me. The issue very quickly became a moot point, but I have continued the counseling sessions because they are working for me. Once a month I have an hour to discuss (make that talk) about anything I choose, and know that I am being heard by an open ear that is not attached in any way to any of the “issues” I might want to elaborate on. That hour has become a priceless gift I give to myself.

Somewhere in Scripture, we are told that having many counselors is a good, if not wise thing to do. Many of us use our friends for that, but friends have emotional attachments and even agendas that might not allow them to be an open ear or detached from whatever outcome might be forthcoming. Thus, maybe more often than we would want to admit, we can ignore or dismiss what is offered in response. “Why did I even try to discuss that with her, she has no idea about my personal situation.”

We want to be heard because we want to know if we are making the ‘right’ choices or seeing all of the angles. We intuitively know that we are only one individual and can’t see all those angles or know all of the answers. So we talk, but do we listen?

Counseling was originally defined as the talking therapy. And although it does allow for ones talking to be heard, if we enter into it seeking to hear answers from outside of ourselves, we might be in trouble. But isn’t that the whole point of the process itself? I don’t think so.

I think the whole point of talking therapy is that we are allowed to hear what we ourselves are saying. When we talk to our friends there is always that emotional attachment to deal with. “What will she think if I tell her what I am really thinking? Will she still want to be my friend? What will he do if I allow him to know the truth (my truth)?” And all the different variations of that thought and emotional process.

That is not to say that our friends can’t be counselors in their own right. Personally, I think that should be one of the criteria we use when choosing them. Do they have similar views? Do they look at things from a wider range of experience and knowledge? Are they open to a difference of opinion without getting or being defensive? Perhaps, even more important, do I engage in those very elements? Do I work at listening with an accepting ear?

I saw my counselor yesterday. During our 55 minutes of shared time, I did at least 85% of the talking. She listened. We laughed, even shared a few tears (very happy ones) and she told me in a very few words how much I have been able to grow in my present circumstances, but also cautioned me about the very real dangers within those circumstances. I heard what she had to say, but more importantly, knew that I had been heard. And because I had been listened to, I also heard what I had said.

That in turn, had me thinking about what I want to do with today. Several things occurred to me that might not have if I hadn’t gone to that appointment yesterday. It made me aware of some things that I might not otherwise have considered and am actually thinking about doing. Somehow, in all of that talking, I was sorting out the things that are important to me. The person I am and the one I am becoming.

I also keep a daily journal. It is the first thing I do each morning, or at least as soon as circumstances allow. That is also aimed at allowing me to have this ongoing dialogue with myself. To speak my mind and to listen to what I am really all about. It also seems to fuel those other conversations with my counselor. I usually have at least one topic in mind when I settle down in her office, but then am amazed at all of the highlights we manage to cover in that very short 55 minute span. They are there, waiting and ready, because they were important enough to make those earlier notes during the preceding days and weeks since the last time.

My  counselor is not my friend. She never will be. She is my counselor and is present to remind me of that all important big question: “Did you hear what you just said?” And to help me know that all the answers are there inside of me. I just have to find them and let them out. That can’t happen unless I make the effort to listen to what I myself am saying. She provides the space in which I can do that and I am so very grateful that she does.

Do you have a counselor? What do you really think and feel about seeing someone who listens, allowing you to hear what you just said?

Tricks and Treats

I went on an adventure this morning and never left home. I have been sick with a cold for several days and experiencing the decided blahs of a semi-depressive mood that has fogged my emotions, as well as my mental state. It hasn’t been pleasant to watch myself return to the occupation of couch potato, turning away from people and activities other than television and suspense novels.

This morning, in an attempt to pull myself out of that couched position, I visited the sites of a few internet friends. It became a step-by-step process of self-awareness. And ended in a bit of poetry. No one was more surprised than me. It has been a while since I have even attempted to put words into some sort of poetic form. And I could, but will not, bore you with the list of excuses I created for that absence, or lack of activity in my landscape.

And it was the last thing I intended to do as a result of taking this tangential journey this morning. The journey itself was simply a distraction meant to somehow prove that although almost non-functional, I still did exist somewhere in this keyboard arena. In other words, I was feeling a bit guilty. I haven’t been visiting the sites of others, let alone my own. So, of course, instead of coming here, I decided it was time to go see what others were doing and perhaps leave a comment,  at least proving my own presence.

I started with Diddums.http://diddums.wordpress.com/ Her blog was about Halloween costumes and how they have evolved and actually changed the face of that particular holiday. I didn’t leave a comment because I got lost in a train of thought that went something like this: we all wear costumes every moment of every day. What if one morning we all awoke and refused to wear them? Would that be a disaster or, a forward step in our own evolution?

My next stop was Shannon Writes http://shannonwrites.wordpress.com/ . I had been there about a week ago, but had not stopped to read her explanation for the site. This time I left a comment because her statements hit me where it counts most. I am a Writer and thus, a Magician.

Thinking about that reality and how much I miss writing poetry, I then went to Farah’s place http://pearlsfrompain.wordpress.com/ , only to find bright splashes of color instead of the poetry I was expecting. Color, being my second love, after words, brought my mood even further toward  happy than I have been in some time. Hey, I was actually smiling by then.

No internet  journey is quite complete, for me, without a stop to see what SL has created http://unguarded–utterance.blogspot.com/ . Can you say, “The Big Bang?” Whew! Nothing like getting hit in the head or having a wall suddenly fall on top of you while you are innocently distracting yourself from what you know you should be doing, but haven’t a clue how to even begin. The poem wrote itself directly from that step-by-step journey I had just taken. I left it right there in SL’s comments, then posted it on my poetry site http://soulsmusic.wordpress.com/

Happy Halloween. It’s really great when you can trick yourself into a treat that just happens to be exactly what you needed, but also allows you to disgard that couch potato costume you have been slipping into every waking moment. And a deep thank you, to all of my internet  friends.

Trusting Your Instincts

 

About two months ago, I eagerly signed up and paid an entrance fee to take part in what is called The Sketchbook Project. You can find out about it and other projects at http://arthousecoop.com/  It sounded like fun and something I would enjoy doing.

For the entry fee, one receives a sketchbook to fill by a certain deadline, as well as a theme to focus the work inside of the sketchbook. This isn’t limited to simple drawings. There are books that have been made into three dimensional objects, collage, quotes, etc. Although I wasn’t really thrilled with the theme that was randomly attached to my sketchbook, I began planning on how to fill the pages and just what I might want to do.

Then came the glitch. The sketchbooks were placed on back order and the wait turned into weeks and then well over a month. Meanwhile, the ideas began to fade and life went on in other directions. I finally received the sketchbook just over a week ago. Opened and looked at it, and put it aside because I had other things to do.

I had tried to encourage others to join the project, but only one person showed any interest. She paid the entrance fee and like me, began waiting for her sketchbook to arrive filled with ideas and ways of executing them. And like me, her life went on in other directions.

She called me, the morning before last, and our discussion of the sketchbooks and the whole project didn’t go very well. We didn’t like the sketchbooks, they were much smaller than we had hoped for, the covers weren’t what we had been expecting, and so on. I finally admitted that I wasn’t sure I was going to follow through with any of it. Didn’t know if my schedule would allow for that kind of time and focus, even though the deadline had been extended because of the mix-up with the sketchbooks. She sounded disappointed and we left it there and went on with our separate doings.

Yesterday morning, in the course of finally responding to an email, I found myself writing about the Project and all of my feelings. Most of them were simply discomfort at what I had gotten myself into and doubts about my own ability to follow through on it at this point. In other words: excuses. Too much time had passed between that original eagerness, all of those ideas, and the reality of actually doing the thing. Lots of time for all those old habits of self-doubt to emerge and set up house-keeping.

With each logical ‘reason’ I created not to proceed, I could also hear the disappointment in my good friend’s voice. It got a bit heavy and by the time I finished the email, I could see the real reasons for my stalling and hesitation. Then something occurred that prevented me from engaging in my plans for the rest of the afternoon. I picked up that smaller, theme-oriented sketchbook and looked at all those blank pages. Then picked up one of my favorite pens and began doodling. Within an hour I had one finished page and went on to do a second. It was fun, actually quite exciting as all of that original eagerness and those ideas began to emerge from the darkened shadows of my own self-doubt.

I promptly scanned in the two completed images and sent them off to my friend, hoping to squelch the disappointment and to encourage her to do the same. Haven’t heard back from her yet, but have regained my own focus and original commitment to the Project itself.

When completed, the sketchbook will be mailed back to The Art House Co-Op and will become a part of a permanent library collection, as well as going on tour to diverse libraries throughout the United States. Along with the sketchbook, entering the Project allows me a site to display my work and any other work I might take part in. I, and my sketchbook will be a part of all of that. Whew!

What does any of this have to do with Intuition? A great deal. My original response to the project was deeply positive and, at the time, I was eager to participate. Yet, that delay was important as well. Waiting is never easy and it becomes difficult to sustain those original impulses fed to us by our intuition. That doesn’t make them bad choices, or even incorrect ones. Most often it simply means there is needed time for further preparation. Part of my personal preparation was to work through my own level of self-doubt concerning my skills and abilities.

Last night, after completing those first two images, I was filled with a level of satisfaction and once again focused on taking this next step in my own process. I relaxed by watching the current episode of The Mentalist. In this episode, the main character, James, repeated a phrase several times framed within that knowing grin he is apt to express. Each time he repeated the phrase, I found myself nodding my head and grinning right back at him.

The phrase? “You must always trust your own instincts.” It took some time, but I did that yesterday. Do you?

Getting Outside The Comfort Zone

 

8/13/09

…people see what they expect to see and they find reasons for oddities to protect the comfortable order and predictability of their lives.

A Tangled Web
___Judith Michael

I have taken to carrying a sketchbook with me. I doodle, using Artists pens and colored ink. I do not set out to create a realistic image, but simply play with repetitive lines and patterns. I very seldom have more than a vague idea in my head when I begin and am often surprised at what occurs and the eventual outcome.

When people see me thus engaged, they often ask what I’m doing. I tell them the truth, “I’m doodling, playing with the colors, lines and patterns.” And as these same people look through the sketchbook, they invariably point at something and tell me what they see, then look at me with a question, “Am I right?”

And, most often, I laugh. Of course they are right. They see what they see and I wasn’t aiming at a realistic reproduction of anything to begin with. I’ve even watched others engage in debates, flipping the sketchbook this way and that, pointing out details to support their interpretations which are usually far removed from one another. Then the debaters turn to me and ask that same question. Again, I laugh and tell them they are all correct. It’s only a collection of lines and color, a balance between dark and light. But, I find that whole scenario fascinating.

Each individual has a level of need to interpret what they see, to make sense of their own experience. Not just with my sketchbook, but with every moment of their experience. When we can’t interpret and make sense of what is happening, we feel a certain dis-ease, uncomfortable, and that in turn, makes us feel less safe, less secure.

The above quote is from a novel about identical twin sisters who decide to swap lives for a week. It is a delicious little secret they share with no one. Something happens and the deception must be prolonged, and eventually one sister dies. The remaining sister opts to stay inside the deception and it is her realization that is quoted above. She makes mistakes with friends and family, but others explain away the gaffes and incongruities in order to make sense of their own realities.

We all do that on some level. Choosing to ignore what doesn’t make sense, dismiss it, or explain it away. That can get us into trouble, but we still choose to do it because it allows us to proceed inside of our own comfort zone. That comfort zone is what we know, it is the filter through which we see and experience everything else we come into contact with.

Reality is, if we stop and question that experience, we might be called on to act in a way that is also uncomfortable, maybe even unknown. Most of us would prefer not to have to do that. So we ease ourselves through whatever is happening by explaining it in terms we can accept and feel comfortable with, as the characters in the novel do.

I have already written about ways to stay open and in the present moment. My sketchbook is doing that for me. I am always looking for new and different patterns of line and shape. Experimenting as I travel through this new realm of possibilities. It has helped me to realize that I have often chosen just such activities for that very reason. I may not have consciously known that was what I was doing, but once again, I am aware that my “play” has a distinct purpose and form. A shape that seeks balance and harmony.

In his book, The Gift of Fear, Gavin De Becker explains that the most basic reason for our developed intuition is to keep us alert and aware in a world that is filled with the unexpected and sometime inexplicable. But, because we have civilized that world, creating rules and regulations, many of us have let the further development of those intuitive processes lag because it takes concentrated effort to develop anything and there are some who actually believe that intuition is no longer necessary to survival.

We have done the same on a personal level, using our past experience to explain or define our present moments, sometimes blocking our own growth and knowledge to remain inside of our comfort zones. We are in danger of losing our intuitive edge because we have civilized our filter of experience.

Stepping outside of our chosen boxes isn’t easy. It can make us uncomfortable and ill at ease. Give us that feeling of being unsafe. Even though I really enjoy what I’m doing inside my sketchbook, each blank page I face off with, contains a bit of those feelings. There was a time, many years ago, when I would have stopped what I am doing because so many others have questioned it, looked perplexed while viewing those pages. Want to know what its purpose is, and what ultimate product I am seeking.

Now, I am okay with saying I don’t know, won’t know until I arrive at whatever destination awaits me. In the meantime, I am as interested in what people find and define inside the sketchbook as they are in doing just that. If nothing else, it makes for fun and interesting conversation, and that isn’t a bad goal in and of itself.

I didn’t begin using the sketchbook with the idea of honing my intuitive skills. The urge to get the sketchbook sort of puzzled me at the time, but it was something I had actually wanted to do for years but didn’t really understand why. It was something I had to talk myself into and give myself permission to do. Then continue to do so in order to maintain and satisfy the urge that got me going in the first place.

Now, although I am comfortable with the sketchbook and enjoy the process I have entered, I find that I am learning a new language inside those lines and colors. A language that informs those deeper areas of intuition and function. I am definitely operating outside the box of my normal comfort zone, and indirectly encouraging others around me to do the same in small ways. I have, without consciously thinking about it, invited myself to see the unexpected and am getting comfortable in doing so.

What do you do that takes you outside of your own comfort zone?